Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize