after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize