While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
