It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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