Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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