I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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