Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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