omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
