by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So vagazzling was a success
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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