Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Randomize
