The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
