I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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