I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
