what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
