I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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