i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
