i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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