new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
