I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
