That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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