I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
