She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
