I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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