Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
