I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
