I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
