its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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