I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
