I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
