Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
false alarm, still single
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize