Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
