You were right. It hurts to walk today.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
