I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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