the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize