Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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