You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
