You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
