I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
