I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
