So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
