There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
