I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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