ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
