I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
