you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
