gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Operation Purity has been aborted
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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