no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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