I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
another moral hangover. fuck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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