Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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