judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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