Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
