Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize