no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
