I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
