Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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