All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
