but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
