The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
