walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
