dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
