in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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