dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
