If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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