Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
