HIV tests are more positive than that guy
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
