I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize